I’m seriously contemplating about conversion. I mean, I’m planning to enlist myself on the rolls of the Communist Party of India. And no, the sudden scorching Bangalore sun hasn’t addled my wits. Let me explain.

I’ll abide by the Black Book of Communism Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital and every other lofty treatise ever written on the subject of Equal Distribution of Misery transforming the world into a Workers’ Paradise. I shall with great diligence, toil and rise in the ranks so I can one day become the boss of the CPI. For it has numerous rewards, the least of which will include being able to afford to throw a Grand Wedding Party for my grandson. Harkishan Singh Surjeet is my role model.

For the grand old man of India’s proletariat party, the show was ostentatious enough. The groom arrived in a cream-coloured Mercedes to the stunningly decorated venue. Over 1,500 guests were entertained by a rock band from Delhi and singers from Mumbai and served a dozen different cuisines. At the tony Harsheela Resorts spread over 8 acres in Mullanpur, on the outskirts of the city, a wedding planner from Delhi choreographed a grand wedding.

The catering team from Chandigarh had 250 people—cooks and waiters. Police personnel from the city and even neighbouring Jagraon were on duty as the city witnessed unprecedented VVIP movement.

That’s not all. For all my toil, it is but right that I expect some minor concessions: like making the rule of law inapplicable to me, facilitating my grandson’s wedding at taxpayer’s cost, using a University football stadium as a helipad, and generally imposing traffic inconveniences on the citizenry.

Rules obviously don’t matter for VIPs and VVIPs. This was evident at the Punjab Agricultural University football ground today, when the ground was sacrificed to facilitate the movement of VIPs and VVIPs for the wedding of CPI(M) supremo Harkishan Singh Surjeet’s grandson. All this, when Vice-Chancellor Dr K.S. Aulakh has included discipline and equal treatment in the long list of rules for the varsity.

It is also noteworthy here that around a year back, students of this university had opposed the landing of helicopters on the university’s playgrounds. They had then been assured by the university authorities that such instances would be avoided in the future.

The students’ concern is justified, as any ground used for choppers is left badly damaged. A runway has be readied with help of sprinklers and roadrollers. This damage is aggravated by the huge convoy of vehicles which is taken on to the ground right up to the chopper to receive the VIPs.

On second thoughts, I feel I should inflict these troubles more often. The workers in whose service I’ve decided to dedicate my life aren’t a wee bit affected by all this. If I spend taxpayers’ money for personal use, it is because they deserve it. Think about it: if you are rich enough to pay tax then your heart unlike mine, doesn’t bleed for the toiling masses. If you complain that I’m transgressing the law, then you’re the capitalist of the worst sort for it is only the evil capitalists who make laws that suit them. I’ll break those bourgeoise laws in my illustrious career that awaits me, and how! And if you are furious for getting stuck in traffic then again, you deserve it for you’re rich enough to own vehicles, you own it at the workers’ expense. Understand at least for a few hours–fuming in the traffic jam–the agony of the labourer who works in the factory to make those fancy cars and bikes you drive. And did you say football? A bourgeoise game sponsored worldwide by the wretched corporations like Nike. When I come to power–yes, the Communist Party’s highest-ever post-independence haul of seats is proof that our vision of an Indian perestroika is close to fulfilment–I’ll ban football.

Now, tell me, isn’t my plan to convert to Communism entirely justified?