UPDATE: In hindsight, I felt I was a tad harsh on B Raman. He has been replaced with a new and much more deserving candidate for said loathsomeness.
Sigh. It’s that time of the year—the only time of every year where I make a list. A list of the who’s who that have contributed most to pushing this country a few more miles down on the road to hell. As with the previous years, some names remain unchanged and some are new entrants, the only qualification being their loathsomeness quotient.
Also, same rules as before: if you find any additional candidates that you feel should be in this list, give their names and the reason why you think they should be in this list. If I’m convinced, I’ll acknowledge your contribution and add them to the list.
And so I present the Most Loathsome People of India for 2011 C.E.
15. The Academic Freaks at Delhi University
Charges: The Humanities departments in almost every university is populated by petty freaks whose only job when they are not injecting poison into their students’ minds in classrooms is to perpetually PMS. When they get tired of that, they’re constantly on the lookout for manufacturing precisely such issues as that Ramanjuan-essay controversy. Completely lacking in any sort of scholarship or even commonsense, they indoctrinate softcore Marxism as “literature,” “anthropology,” “sociology,” and “history” and recommend X-rated essays such as 300 Ramayanas as course material. And in the same foul breath, they whine about the pathetic state of higher education in Indian universities.
Exhibit A: “Whether you like it or not, whether it makes you uncomfortable or not, you cannot change the fact that there are different versions of the Ramayana. This essay by Ramanujan is an exceptional piece of reasoning, but our mathematical professor, the V-C decided to scrap this text. This decision is anti-academic, anti-intellectual and anti-democratic,” said Prof. Mukul Mangalik, history professor at Ramjas College.
Sentence: Made to recite the multiplication table for 19 and flogged 50 lashes for each wrong answer.
14. Team Anna (a flavour of the Urban Indian Middle Class)
Charges: For being proven guilty on the count of what I had spoken about repeatedly about the dumbed-down Indian Middle Class. That the middle class’ idea of: (a) clean governance = kissing candles (b) foreign relations = kissing candles at the Wagah border and/or if they can’t take time off from work, applauding the Professional Candle-Kissers (c) debate = agreeing with everything that demented news anchors spout on prime time (d) social change = donating to some shady NGO that invests money in printing classy brochures (e) democracy = abstaining from voting. Team Anna (sic) chiefly comprises folks who exhibit one or more or all of these characteristics. As we’ve seen, I’ve been vindicated many many months ago. The top guns in Team Anna have faithfully if not unwittingly followed Congress-party style inner-party democracy—aka internal bickering. Anna doesn’t like Agnivesh. Kejriwal doesn’t like Kiran Bedi. Somebody else in Kerala resigned. And so on. And these are the guys the middle class followed blindly, cocksure in their faith that “Team” Anna had all the answers to eradicate corruption. Tch Tch Tch.
Exhibit A: From a commenter: “Sandeep, i have been a regular reader and admirer of your posts.But this one is kind of a shock to me. If all this was such conspiracy, why would people like Santosh Hegde support it?”
Sentence: Treated to some Anna Hazare-style of “eradicating” alcoholism. Also known as “Tied to a Tree and Flogged.”
13. The Indian English Media
Charges: Where does one begin to list charges against a huge mass of interconnected IPO-funded corporate whores? Adjectives are best to describe this breed of invertebrates: Vacuous. Ignorant. Lazy. Uninformed. Corrupt. Decrepit. Slimy. Arrogant. Bossy. Wheeling-Dealing. Stooges. Not content with trying to cover their filthy backsides for more than week in the wake of the Nira Radia episode, they actually went ahead, true to their corrupt reputation, and hollered against Justice Katju when he not-enough-strongly condemned their news-thuggery. They’re the Congress party equivalent in the realm of news: accountable to none, closed to scrutiny but reserving the exclusive right to criticize and throw crap at everybody at will.
Exhibit A: “the criticism being made by Justice Katju is as demeaning and denigrating as it is a manifestation of his ignorance of media working. Any criticism made in a holier-than-thou fervor defeats the very purpose it is sought to be made for…the sane and balanced coverage of two recent incidents— Ayodhya judgment and Gopalpur riots— belies the assertion of [Justice Katju]…”
Sentence: Injected with HIV.
12. Manu Joseph
Charges: The Radia Tapes expose seems to have given Manu Joseph a sort of license to hand out liberal doses of pretentious and unsolicited sanctimoniousness. A sort of permanent fixture on Open is that Leftist lunatic, Meera Nanda whose chief business seems to be to churn out hate-filled rants against Hinduism. Kind of speaks for the “credibility” of Open. Joseph expressed his gratitude to the the bosses at the anti-India New York Times—for oh-so-kindly allowing him to write there—with a hitjob on Sri Sri Ravishankar and used Ravishankar as an example to tarnish the well-deserved image of India as the home of spirituality.
Exhibit A: “Still, the branding of Indian spirituality is so powerful that the young and the old from the West continue to come here in search of the “truth.”
Sentence: Made to kneel before Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr. and recite Mary had a little lamb 100 times daily.
11. Angana Chaterji
Charges: Oh well! Why waste time by repeating my two-part chronicle of her misdeeds? This inciter of hatred, this heart-bleeder for murderers and terrorists has been kicked out of the same institution that paid her a salary and tenured her from where she churned out dangerous propaganda against those sworn to destroy America and India. I guess she just needs to bide her time before she faces the real charges—the sort that governments bring against people who they know are a threat to national security. The US unlike India takes threats to national security really seriously.
Exhibt A: Ghulam Nabi Fai. Major General Bajwa. ISI. Pakistan. Maoist terror.
Sentence: Lecture series to preach the virtues of feminism to Mullahs in Saudi Arabia.
10. Ramachandra Guha
Charges: Alleged historian and suspect-intellectual, his increasing outbursts in defence of the “true” ideals/message/whatchamacallit of Mahatma Gandhi leads one to suspect that he’s addled with one of these two things—Special Powers to have knowledge about the workings of the Dead or a brain in terminal delusion. Going by Guha’s record, it’s a safe bet to conclude that he’s afflicted with the latter. This most recent claimant of the “true” Gandhi got all excitable a few months ago and went berserk emitting textual puke all over the pages of the Telegraph against Narendra Modi. Hardly befitting one who’s written extensively over the Apostle of non-violence. Currently serves as the court historian of the Only Democratic Dynasty in the world. Moonlights as an emissary of justice for the adivasis by seeking audience with the Indian Home Minister.
Exhibit A: Too numerous to list.
Sentence: Stripped of his designer clothes and made to wear Mahatma-style loin cloth. Forced to spin the charaka in case his loin cloth wears out and/or is torn. Deprived of his fancy whiskies and made to drink goat milk. Deprived of access to cars and forced to walk.
9. Sanjiv Bhatt
Charges: If you want to implicate a chief minister, you need to be smart about it. Learn from Santosh Hegde. Especially when your own record is so terrible that people need a hand sanitizer to even touch your file. Planting narcotics to implicate innocent people. Gobbling up money to recruit cops. Repeatedly showing the middle finger to your seniors in the police chain of command. Repeatedly bunking work. If you’re a corrupt senior IPS officer, at least be classy in your corruption. Asking for a Blackberry phone from a Congress MLA is like asking for masala paan to let off a traffic offender who jumped a red light. Which is entirely consistent with Bhatt, who resembles a cheap whore who let himself be willingly used by the Congress party.
Exhibit A: Phony affidavits galore. Everybody who doesn’t believe him is a criminal.
Sentence: Married to Teesta Setalvad.
8. Burqa Dutt
Charges: The Reigning Queen of everything that’s wrong with the Indian media. Exhibits a high degree of intolerance towards criticism directed at her. Her idea of a reasoned argument is one where people agree with her. When scrutinized, she lapses into condescension, patronizing, rage, and when all of these fail, asks the scrutinizer to go see a shrink. Ask me. I was at the receiving end.
Exhibit A: “Oh God. So now what? What should I tell them? Tell me what should I tell them?”
7. The Nation-Wreckers at NAC
Charges: The fact that nobody knows what really this group of the Queen’s evil pet poodles is up to should be worrisome enough. Yet, the fact that nobody really cares is doubly, dangerously worrisome. This has all the classic characteristics of a super-government. Hell, it is a super-government. The NAC is an unconstitutional body that’s accountable to not even the Prime Minister but only to the Super Prime Minister. The composition of NAC is a deadly mix of traitors, subversionists, self-styled activists, and indirect supporters of the ongoing Maoist war against the Indian state. The sole purpose of the NAC seems to be to loot India for everything it’s worth by creating an entitlement economy, and wedge irreparable social divide by such poisonous Bills as the Communal Violence Bill. These are just the edges of their gigantic evil iceberg and they’re doing it with open impunity.
Exhibit A: Right to Food Bill. Right to Education Bill. Communal Violence Bill.
Sentence: Saudi Arabia-style adultery death sentences.
6. Digvijaya Singh
Charges: This man, who once helped the Union Carbide mass-murderer Anderson escape, has given those selfsame tendencies free rein over the last year with his bumbling incoherence about RSS/Saffron Terror and similar bile. The additional “A” that he added to his name is a pretty good fit considering that it is also the starting letter for a word that means the rear orifice.
Exhibit A: “It does not matter whether Anderson left Bhopal in a plane or train or walked to New Delhi.”
Sentence: Bound and gagged and dropped off across the Pakistan border.
5. Tarun Tejpal
Charges: Tarun Tejpal’s Tehelka is THE black hole of journalism from which only muck emerges, packaged as investigative journalism. It hires journalists who attend “seminars” sponsored by the ISI agent, Ghulam Nabi Fai while another journalist conjures up—via remote control—vile schemes like asking women to send their panties to Sri Rama Sene. There’ more. In a “Cleaner’s Special” edition, this vile paper carried barely-concealed pro-SIMI propaganda authored by the Chief Cleaner himself. Wait, there’s still more. Not content with planting phony sting ops, burying investigative reports, and defending terror outfits, Tehelka recently turned to the more lucrative business of extortion. One can imagine the frightening levels of power this man wields when his sister demanded hafta from a sitting Congress Chief Minister of Goa.
Exhibit A: “If Tarun was here, he would have asked for Rs 1.5 crore. How much are you willing to give?” [Neena Tejpal] asked Kamat quite bluntly.
Sentence: Repeatedly dunked in the crystal clear sea at the “dying village” of Moira (Goa), lashed publicly, and dunked again. Rinse. Repeat.
4. Manmohan Singh
Charges: For being unable to provide one shred of evidence that he’s a “man of great personal integrity and decency.” Most of all for being the Spineless Wonder who is presiding over India’s impending social and economic implosion.
Exhibit A: “Muslims have the first right to India’s resources.” Enough said.
Sentence: Isn’t being the Queen’s handpicked Puppet enough sentence already?
3. Rahul Gandhi
Charges: See Exhibit A below.
Exhibit A: “Naqvi claimed that it is increasingly common knowledge that Rahul suffers from “personality problems” of an emotional or psychological nature that are severe enough to prevent him from functioning as PM.”
Sentence: Please read Article 102(1) in The Constitution Of India 1949. The sentence will be clear as the sky on a pleasant day.
2. Sonia Gandhi
Charges: None. She’s not loathsome. For explanation, see #1 below.
Charges: You are loathsome. You are lazy, unthinking, uncritical, and insensitive to the crap happening out there to your own country. Your idea of an intellectual conversation is talking about the sexy, super-powerful engine of Lexus or whatever other car and discussing the latest gizmo that further hastens the decline of your near-zero intellectual ability. Your idea of participating in the democratic process is supporting morons like Arvind Kejriwal and watching staged TV debates. Your icon of free speech is the lady at #8. Your idea of reading a newspaper involves drooling over Page 3 soft porn. Your definition of achievement is winning 5 Crores in Kaun Banega Crorepati. Your idol of a clean politician is Manmohan Singh. You don’t know who A K Ramanujan was or whether he existed at all. You think price rise is because of the US economy. You actually believe that the Congress party that Sonia Gandhi heads gave us freedom from British rule. You support Rahul Gandhi because you find his dimples cute. You think secularism is what is still holding this country together. You think the Congress party is a liberal party. You don’t even know what “liberal” means. You think that only politicians are responsible for all this mess you find yourself in. You think freedom in a democracy means allowing people to celebrate Valentine’s Day. You don’t know you’re bending over but you still bend over. And the Queen fucks you over and over again. You deserve it. You are truly loathsome. You are India’s #1 Most Loathsome Person.
Exhibit A: Support for Pink Panties. Support for Anna Hazare. Rahul Gandhi fan.
Sentence: Onion priced at Rs. 2011 per kilogram.